A frequent dynamic explored in couples therapy is a desire discrepancy or gap. To put it simply, one partner tends to want sex or sexual contact more frequently than the other. I can’t stress enough how common this dynamic is for couples in committed relationships. Regardless of the normalcy of it, if the pattern around connecting isn’t on solid ground, the situation can become quite dire. Something that I like to make known with folks in my practice is that both positions have their downsides. For the higher desire partner (HDP), they can feel frequently rejected and that their sexual needs are a burden to their partner. The lower desire partner (LDP) can feel like something is wrong with them and can feel over-responsible for their partner’s sense of self-worth. From a place of disconnection it is easy for couples to fall into a dance of “the more the more.”
For example: The more you reject my advances the more I feel undesirable and unlovable. The more you reach out for contact when I don’t want to have sex the more I want to distance from you. The more you distance from me the less secure I feel and the more reassurance I want. When I feel how much reassurance you want it is a turn off for me.
Folks often seek out my services at this point in their process. If you feel like your dynamic or “dance” with your partner goes in circles and you can’t seem to get out of it, let’s schedule a call to improve it.
Here are some steps you can take now: try to have compassion for yourself and your partner. It feels pretty terrible to feel rejected by someone you love. It also feels pretty rough to be pursued and (sometimes) pressured when you’re not in a space where you want to sexually connect. We want to make space around the meanings both people make when they begin to feel disconnected. It is rare for people in committed relationships to have the exact same level of desire so we want to build skills around navigating the differences. Come up with low pressure ways to have quality time together- maybe its laying in bed together holding hands, going for a long walk, or declaring an evening to be screen-free and you play games and talk. The dance of how you and your partner access each other in the erotic and sexual realm matters. It’s time to put on your dancing shoes and learn some new moves.
