Will the Real Self Please Stand Up?
You never know when you will come across a quote that has staying power. I was at a friend’s house in college and I was waiting for her to get ready so we could go for a hike. I was in her kitchen and there happened to be a magnet on the fridge with a quote from Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” I was delighted to read this fridge magnet; it has been close to 20 years and I still think about it. I love how he makes the process of being oneself seem like such common sense. Who else is there to be? There is only one you! And yet, there are complicated forces throughout our lives that can lead us to feeling estranged from ourselves and others. You’re not alone if you struggle to be your real self in the presence of others.
Donald Winnicott was a developmental psychologist who wrote about the identity of the “false self.” The summed up version of the theory is that there are different challenges in early childhood (but can truly happen at any time in the life cycle) that make it risky for a child to be their “true selves.” Children are quite astute and early on can learn that they need to shift themselves to be who their parents need them to be rather than it be safe for them to be themselves. These children often can’t rely on their parents for support in digesting the world around them. Winnicott theorized that the more challenging the environment the more the “true self” gets hidden and or tucked away so as to be protected from the unsupportive or neglectful dynamics in the home. The “false self” can be skilled in navigating the bumpy familial and social terrain but it comes at a cost. The more people start to identify with their false self the more estranged from their real selves they become. This can lead to feelings of meaninglessness, loneliness, numbness, anxiety, and depression.
Even before I was familiar with Winnicott’s theory I knew that being yourself wasn’t always an effortless endeavor. From a frustrated place it is easy to dismiss Wilde’s seemingly simplistic notion that being you is all that there is to do. The process of quieting down and reacquainting yourself to who you are is both complex and simple. In therapy we can work collaboratively to understand your relational history and how you became distanced from yourself. When we begin to tell our stories to a kind listener, we often realize how adaptive some of our behaviors were even if those same adaptations no longer serve us. Over time we get the distinct pleasure to be curious about who we may have been all along, slowly revealing our “true self.” It’s a real “both and” situation; Wilde and Winnicott were on to something. Our true selves are there and generally want to emerge so we can be meaningfully connected with cherished people and experiences.
Before you go, I want you to understand that your environment and your relationships to family and caregivers can impact how comfortable you are being yourself. There can be a joy and beauty to life when we come to know and embrace who we are. If there is a big gap between how you present to the world and how you truly feel, I want to help guide you closer to an authentic home in yourself.
