Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair

Therapy is a unique process in that I am often working myself out of a job, especially with couples and relationship therapy. The more skills you build, the more patterns you recognize, and the more challenges you heal from, the less often our sessions will be needed. I’m a big believer in therapy as a collaborative process and as something you can return to across the different seasons of life. Part of what helps the work become integrated and meaningful is psycho-education: I like to highlight ideas and theories that I think will be useful for you both in the present moment and over the long term.

Many years ago, while training with Terry Real, couples therapist and founder of Relational Life Therapy, he described how couples cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair. Hearing that description felt immediately normalizing and clarifying. It’s natural for couples to have conflict — in fact, if you never argue with your partner, that can be cause for concern. One of Terry’s practical takeaways is to encourage clients to “get really good at repairing.” Of course we want to savor the ease and pleasure of harmony with our partner, and we also need to accept that we will sometimes hurt one another. There’s no benefit in lingering in the heartache of disconnection; instead, strengthen your ability to speak respectfully when you’ve been hurt and to ask for what you need to recover. At the same time, cultivate the ego strength to acknowledge when you’ve caused harm and to take responsibility for your actions as you move forward.

Understanding this relational cycle and learning to navigate its inevitable bumps with honesty, care, and integrity will make your life with your partner more harmonious and joyful. Before you go, remember: conflict is natural, rupture and disconnection are inevitable, and meaningful repairs are what allow you to move forward together with love and peace.